it's beginning to look a lot like christmas

I think I started my Christmas hype too early. I started before Thanksgiving, and now I don't feel like it's even Christmas time anymore. For instance, today my manager brought in a few miniature Christmas trees and other decorations, and I thought to myself "Why are you bringing these in so late? They will be up for such a short time before you have to take them down." But then I realized that today is only December 6th, the beginning of December, and Christmas is three whole weeks away. I guess that is what happens when you celebrate Christmas for two months.

On another note, in relation to my last post, I worked out five, yes FIVE, times last week. I am really proud of myself for even waking up Saturday and Sunday morning to get in a workout before I went on with the rest of my day. I'm upping my time on the elliptical, but I'm letting myself slack in other areas. Must.keep.up.

I read Audrey Hepburn's Wikipedia today. Why? Because I spend too much time on Facebook, and a friend posted the link for some reason. I wish I had grown up in Britain and trained in ballet and painted and was cultured like her and (how I imagine) every European is. Unfortunately, I am not. My culture is watching The Real Houswives (of New York, New Jersey, Orange County, and Beverly Hills...not a fan of D.C. and Atlanta...but I digress) and checking Tumblr updates. I hate that everything is so centered around the internet, and that I spend countless hours a day on it. I get the irony here.

This weekend I will finally get to see a few of the film projects I worked on this semester. I am excited, and wary, because I self-critique like no other and also fear that others will think I'm a sham and can't actually act. But I need to stop self-depracating, because I had a great acting workshop this weekend and actually feel a lot better about myself.

I wish I could stick to one topic, or theme, in these posts.

work it

So I’ve decided I will get into the routine of working out every day. In September I bought a year membership for 24 Hour Fitness, and after about two weeks of using it, I stopped for the past 2 1/2 months. I had a lot of personal things going on during that time, but that’s no excuse. This week I finally went back. Though I get so bored, and sometimes it hurts (so good), I can do this. I will never be “in the mood” to work out, at least not while I’m still so out of shape, so I will have to force myself to do it every day. If I can’t make it to the gym, I have several videos to choose from: P90, Hip-Hop Abs, Pussycat Dolls, Pilates, and Yoga. My freshmah year of high school I worked out every single day and watched what I ate. I have to admit, it became an obsession, and I don’t want to get back to that point. But I want to feel better about myself. I want to look good, I want to be able to walk up stairs without being out of breath, I want to be able to jog for more than 5 minutes, I want to gain my flexibility back, I don’t want to be tired all the time, and I just want to feel good. I’ve been trying to watch what I eat, limiting what I do take in, and avoiding sodas. I just feel like eating healthy is so much more expensive. My other problem: it is really hard to force myself to get up early to work out, and since I don’t want to work out in the middle of the day when I have things to do, I save my work out for nighttime. The past two nights I have worked out super late and showered after, and…then I can’t sleep. I guess I never realized how much energy working out can give you. I used to work out at night all of the time, but I guess since this is such a change for me now, it is really giving me too much energy to sleep. But I need more energy! So I’m glad that I can already feel it working…even if I don’t get sleep. -__- I WILL STAY MOTIVATED.

Mississippi Mud Cookies

My mama gave me this Southern Living Christmas cookbook last Christmas, and last week I decided to try out this new cookie recipe.

Forewarning: I didn’t use parchment paper because I didn’t have any. It would probably be best to use parchment paper because the cookies, especially the marshmallows, stuck to the pan, and many crumbled when I tried to remove them. Also, the butter I used turned out not to be real butter and instead some form of vegetable oil sticks (something of that nature). The cookies still tasted good, but I have a feeling that’s what made them super crumbly. Also, leave enough time for them to cool on the pan before removing them, or again…they will crumble. “Learn by trial and error”

Prep: 25 min. Bake: 12 min. per batch

1 cup semisweet chocolate morsels

1/2 cup butter, softened

1 cup sugar

2 large eggs

1 tsp. vanilla

1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour

1 tsp. baking powder

1/2 tsp salt

1 cup chopped pecans (optional)

1/2 cup milk chocolate morsels

1 cup plus 2 Tbsp. miniature marshmallows

Microwaves semisweet chocolate morsels in small microwave-safe glass bowl at HIGH 1 minute or until smooth, stirring every 30 seconds.

Beat butter and sugar at medium speed with an electric mixer until creamy; add eggs, 1 at a time, beating until blended after each addition. Beat in vanilla and melted chocolate.


Combine flour, baking powder, and salt; gradually add to chocolate mixture, beating until well blended. Stir in chopped pecans (optional) and 1/2 cup milk chocolate morsels.


Drop dough by heaping tablespoonfuls onto parchment paper-lined baking sheets. Press 3 marshmallows into each portion of dough.

Bake at 350 degrees for 10-12 minutes or until set. Remove to wire racks.

(I forgot to take a photo before I put the cookies in a container. Unfortunately I left the crumbled and breaking (bad) cookies on the plate. Haha, so this is the photo I have. I have other ones that looked better…I promise. Remember what I said to avoid the crumbling!)

Yield: about 3 dozen. (I probably made about 2 dozen…depends on the size of your cookies, obvs.)

almost thanksgiving...

I went with my friend, Kelly, tonight to take some Refugee kids to McDonald's. Here are some photos of them...so cute!





These four kids are from Burma. I can't believe how well they speak English! It's so impressive to me when kids know more than one language...and how quickly they can learn them!

Now onto the rest of my post...

I can't imagine being a psychiatrist. How can anyone have their stuff together well enough to advise other people on their own messed up issues? The human mind is too complex for its own good, and no one can be considered "normal". Well, how can one crazy person have the ability to advise and sort through another crazy person's mind? I'm not saying psychiatrists don't help people because many people swear by them. But I am just wondering how someone has the authority to be a psychiatrist. When we are all crazy.

My emotions and thoughts are all over the place, as always. I swear I change my mind 5 million times a day. And how I feel about my decisions and thoughts. If that makes any sense. I want to start living moment to moment and only worry about what is making me happy in that very moment. It is difficult for me because I'm constantly fretting over what I've just done or what I have to do. I get anxious over the smallest things that any sane person wouldn't care about in the least bit. And I'm not exaggerating...in the least bit.

But ANYWAY, I have never been as excited for Thanksgiving as I am this year. Normally I'd rather just skip straight to Christmas. But I think this being my first holiday as a non-student is going to be really good for me. I just hope I don't have any moments of boredom where I can ponder my life. Or else I will have to fill the time with baking tons of delicious holiday treats. :)

The rest of this post got deleted, so I am having to rewrite it. -__-

Now on to acting...I took a workshop this past Saturday with a casting director I have never worked with before, and she gave me both a compliment and critique while watching playbacks of our cold readings: she said she doesn't know me well but can tell that I have training and am good...I am just relying on my acting "tricks". I need to work towards living honestly in the moment, and I couldn't agree more. This is what I have been working towards the last two months in my acting class on Meisner. It is just frustrating because I have been taught by many professors...and many professors have a more mechanical approach to acting. I think the mechanical...ness is rubbing off on me. I am not blaming anyone else; what I do is ultimately because of me. I just have to be patient that it will happen for me. I want to just be. I know I can do it and that I will do it. But it takes a lot of work. Or maybe the problem is I am working too hard...?

Oh, I finished reading The Time Traveler's Wife today. I didn't have work today, so I stayed in bed with a glass of eggnog (delicious) reading it until I finished. I've already seen the movie, but still, it is so sad. This story always makes me so depressed. But it's so good. I'm just sad that I've already finished it. I hate ending good books. I also tried yoga for the first time today...kicked my butt! I honestly didn't think it would be this difficult for me as it was! We will have to see how this goes.

Well, I don't have work again tomorrow, so hopefully I'll get to see Harry Potter tonight. Then filming Knife, Fork, Spoon tomorrow night and heading home for Thanksgiving Wednesday morning!

these are a few of my favorite things

I AM EXCITED FOR TOO MANY THINGS.

I am so excited for so many things in my life to happen...I can't wait! I know I shouldn't be looking too far into my future and wanting time to pass quicker than it already does, but THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS.

We wrapped filming on a short I've been working on the past week, Unattainable. I am so excited about seeing the finished product in December, but filming made me so excited about other things as well. For one, the last day of filming we shot at the director's aunt's house. Being inside a well kept house with matching furniture and a landscaped backyard made me want to start planning my future house right away. Other than achieving a successful career as an actress, I desperately want to make a home for my future family. I want to have a playset and a garden and room for my dog(s) to run. I want each room to have a theme. I want huge marble counter tops in the kitchen with plenty of room for cooking and baking. I'm not ready to have kids right now, but I can't wait!

Also, I've never been a behind the camera person. Well, I'm a behind the camera person when taking photos, but I also like being in front of it. When it comes to filming, I always want to be front and center. When shooting this film, I actually got really interested in the whole process that goes behind it. I wish I had double majored in RTF, but by the time I seriously considered it, it would have taken me longer than everyone else to graduate. I would love to learn how to work a camera, how to set up shots, how to edit takes together. I also wouldn't mind trying my hand at directing. I think being an actor first would help me a lot to relate to the actors I'm trying to direct. I have a couple of friends who have been talking for years about creating a web series, so maybe we should finally do this! But I have to admit, though it would be a fun and exciting new experience to work behind the camera, I couldn't give up being in front of it as well. Haha.

On a related note, SOMEBODY LET ME TAKE PICTURES OF THEM. I am willing to take headshots/portraits/whatever any wants FOR FREE. I want to build my portofolio, so please let me! All it takes is a couple of hours of your time, and in return you get some hopefully awesome FREE shots of yourself. Either nobody likes getting his/her picture taken, or else they think I'm actually that bad. Which, I'm not being conceited, but I can't believe. I have to be fairly confident in myself in the things I pursue. I love getting my picture taken, so I guess I can't relate. Haha. I'm not conceited...I'M AN ACTRESS!

I am really excited to see three movies: Morning Glory (with Rachel McAdams, who, you should know, I'm obsessed with), Love and Other Drugs (with Anne Hathaway and Jake Gyllenhaal), and Blue Valentine (with Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams). I don't get excited about seeing too many movies, but I am very excited for all three of these. I am especially a sucker for the non-cookie-cutter-Hollywood-predictable-love-stories, and whether or not Love and Other Drugs falls in that category, I'm pretty sure Blue Valentine doesn't. GIVE TO ME.

I put up Christmas lights both in my apartment and at Whitney's house. I LOVE Christmas lights. I don't want to stop putting them up.

This post is all over the place, but then again, so is my mind/life.

it's a new dawn, it's a new day

I have come to realize that your happiness depends almost entirely on your attitude. You can choose to be positive, or you can choose to dwell on the negative. I am not preaching or lecturing because I myself focus all too much on the negative aspects in my life, rather than appreciating the good things. Trust me, it is way more difficult to keep a good attitude; it's much easier to pout and whine and complain about how life sucks.

These past few months have been rough for me. I never knew I would feel at such a loss after graduating from college and being done with school. Sometimes there isn't a reason for me to feel down, but I will. You have to grasp on to those little things in life that feed you happiness. Little things...like bringing a Christmas tree scented candle everywhere with me just so I can light it and always have that scent surrounding me. Or a pumpkin spice scented car freshener so that every time I get into my car, I'm immediately filled with euphoria at the thought of the holidays being so close. Or cuddling up in snowflake pajamas and watching a movie in the dark. These little things are what get me through the day. What gets you through yours?

I have actually been working on a lot of acting projects lately. I finished a studio shoot, am filming for a short film, was cast last minute into another studio shoot today, and will be rehearsing for another workshop this week. I'm not getting paid, but I'm getting to do what I love. When I get down about the career path I've chosen, it's always nice to be reminded how much I love it and how much it's worth it. I have to be happy that people actually like my work...that they think it's great and that they want to work with me again and again. That in itself is comforting. I feel like I'm always striving for something else, something more, like I can't feel content with what I have. But I do have accomplishments. Everyone has their problems, and most are much more worse than mine. I don't want to settle in life, but I also don't want to always want something more. I'm working hard at keeping a positive attitude towards myself and towards life in general. Life is too short to spend even one minute unhappy. I want to enjoy every second of it. I want to look back on my life and have absolutely no regrets. There are so many things I can't wait for, but I need to focus on the now. I need to live my life right here right now. Let's all be positive together, so none of us get each other down.

Really, more than anything, I miss Betsy. This Friday it will be one month since she passed away. I can't explain to you how much I love this dog and how I've never hurt more badly than I did when she was hurting and then when she was gone. We picked up her ashes the other night, so it's nice to kind of have her with us again. I think about her every single day, and I wonder when or if the hurt will ever go away. Here I'm telling you to focus on the positive, but death is the one thing in life that I can't change my attitude about. It's so certain, so conclusive. You can talk about heaven being infinite, but life on Earth obviously isn't. There's no explanation as to why she had to be taken away from us. No explanation, no good reason. It happens, and it's something I don't think any of us could ever learn to cope or be okay with. The physical impossibility of ever seeing someone again is heartwrenching. And that's the risk you have to take when you give someone your heart, and I certainly gave Betsy mine. You have to risk that your heart will be taken away also. But she was worth it. The best dog in the world.

We love you, Betsy. We miss you. Keep watching over us girl because we need you.

it's the most wonderful time of the year

I need this, the holidays that is. They couldn't be coming at a better time. Halloween showed up so suddenly that it came and went too quickly for me to fully enjoy it and all of the Halloween festivities I had planned to do. This Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Years I am going CRAZY. So if you don't like this time of year, stay away, because I am not letting anyone bring me down. Christmas has always been my absolulte favorite favorite favorite time of the year and since I've grown older, I've tried every year to relive the excitement I felt as a kid. Normally I fail at providing myself the same amount of anticipation and excitement, but this year, I will not. So everybody, if you care an ounce about me, please play along. I really need this more than anything right now. I got so stressed out about squeezing every Halloween thing into one weekend, I only planned a costume last minute and didn't even get to carve my pumpkin. But this winter season, I am excited for...

...making Thanksgiving pies without the help of my mother, shopping on Black Friday, making smores in the backyard fire pit, decorating a (real) Christmas tree to put in the "man cave", planning a Christmas party with White Elephant and a plethora of delicious Christmas baked treats and hot cocoa, playing Christmas music NON-STOP from the day after Thanksgiving onwards, watching every Christmas movie I can get my hands on (most importantly, The Santa Clause), ice skating, going to look at Christmas lights, Christmas shopping, wrapping presents, making Christmas cookies and gingerbread houses, taking so many (good) photos to commemorate such an amazing time of year, drinking eggnog, helping my mama make Christmas dinner and pies, buying boxes of chocolates, shooting off fireworks for New Year's while drinking hot chocolate, making New Year's resolutions that we'll never stick to, having Andria (hopefully) come visit in Austin, and EVERYTHING ELSE I FORGOT.

Here are some photos from Halloween weekend (most of which Caroline took). It may look like I enjoyed every second, but it felt too rushed, and I didn't get to do EVERYTHING I wanted.

thank you, weekend

There are too many thoughts and distractions and worries in my life to post here. But I want to continue writing, so I will.

I finally, finally, have representation...the agent search is over! I'm signed with Heather Collier at Collier Talent. I got the agent I wanted. ;)

I have also been accepted into Richard Robichaux's A Working Group 9 month acting training program on Meisner...time for a serious acting class. I'm so excited/nervous to really delve into this, and I know I need it.

There are so many things I would love to do, but of course the plague of life...there is never enough time or money.

I want to learn more about photography. I want to be respected enough to actually get paid for it. I want to continue learning ballroom dancing. I just want to go out dancing, period! I want to learn tap...you've heard that one before. I want to write a column. I want to have $5000 to update my wardrobe. I want a dog...I need that companionship and someone to take care of...other than myself 24/7. I want to learn how to sing! It has always been the one thing I wish I could do! I want to travel, everywhere. I want to go to Europe and take photos, and reading Eat, Pray, Love makes me want to learn Italian, or at least another language. I need to start doing yoga. I need to keep using my 24 hour membership because I paid for it! When I feel thin, I feel good about myself, and I can't stop comparing myself to my freshman-year-of-college-self. I want to have girl friends because I'm always, constantly, surrounded by boys. I want to work at a bakery. I want to get another job. Scratch that, I need to get another job. I want financial security. I want a house. I want the opportunities and weather of LA, but I want to be in Austin. I want to start feeling the benefits of being a grown-up.

Well, that's enough about what I want. Today after work, Whitney and I are going to get massages. :) I finally found a deal on Living Social to get a 90 minute massage for half off! This will be my first massage ever, and trust me when I say, I absolutely need it. My back kills me every single day. I'm afraid this massage will ruin me forever...I'll always desperately desire another massage.

I think after this blog I'll start commentating on things other than myself. Well, I will still comment about myself because honestly that's the easiest thing to talk about. But I want to practice being a columnist, so...enough about me.

I miss writing.

Currently I'm reading Eat, Pray, Love, and though I'm still at the beginning, it is already inspiring me.

It is inspiring me to start writing again because I haven't in so long. Growing up my favorite subject was English and not to brag or anything, but in elementary it is safe to say I was one of the best writers in my class(es). I loved writing fiction, and as I grew older, I made the transition to more observational writing, such as column writing or blogging. Other than acting or photography, I would love to work for a magazine. I didn't take the journalism route in school because frankly I think journalism classes are nothing short of boring (not bashing any journalism majors...it just wasn't for me). I took a journalism class in high school simply so I could work on the yearbook, and after one semester, my teacher allowed me to skip the last semester of journalism and bumped me up to being on the yearbook staff.

I want to start keeping up with this blog...with my life. I am going through a lot of transitions in my life right now after graduating college in May. I feel like I am stuck in a rut working at part time jobs that aren't satisfying me. There is so much I want to do...like enroll in acting workshops and classes, learn to tap dance, start doing yoga, etc., but there just isn't enough time in the day or enough money to spare. Today is the first day of classes for UT students, and since one of my jobs is on campus, I still rode the bus with all the students on their way to class. It is actually kind of depressing. I am finished so early. I'm 20 years old, and I am already getting depressed about the reality of the real world. I feel like I'm jumping around so much in this one paragraph and that this jumping around mirrors my life right now. My schedule is too structured that I can't find time to fit anything else in my life besides working. But I have to keep at these part time jobs in order to afford my bills each month. I have been keeping at these jobs all summer, and I felt like summer just flew right past me. It's already the first day of school...well, not my first day of school.

I have wanted to learn to tap dance for a long time now. My freshman year (wow, already three years ago) I took a couple of classes downtown. I didn't take these classes in consecutive weeks, so I already got way behind and defeated, and I didn't continue taking classes. I feel a little embarrassed for wanting to learn something at the age of 20 that most people begin learning at the age of 8. I also feel defeated at the fact that it takes years to even become "good" at it.

I need to relax, and that is something I have a really difficult time doing. My freshman year of college my back never hurt because I never felt stress. I never had a back massage in my life up until a year or two ago. My back is hurting as we speak, and it does so every day. I have horrible posture, I know, but it has to be something else. I have to beg my boyfriend to massage my back every day, which I know would annoy anyone. But I don't know how to deal with this pain otherwise. Thus, in order to help relieve pain and relieve stress, I want to start taking yoga classes. The only problem is finding a place that has a schedule that fits with mine. That might be impossible, so I am thinking I will have to buy an at home DVD. This in itself is stressing me out. I stress about trying to relax. Go figure.

My summer album of photos is also quite small in comparison to other months of my life. I worked so much (and really, that is all I did), that I didn't have the opportunity to take photos. I have been trying to play catch up these past couple weeks, but I can't help but feel saddened by the fact that those few months of my life are undocumented. I would also love to start diving into headshot photography...though I am a little scared about doing so.

I think this is enough about my rut of a life for one blog entry. Tune in next time to hear about my declining self-confidence and Los Angeles worries!

two months

...is how long it has been since I have written here. Over two months, actually.


I am officially a college graduate, and I am officially a resident of what they call "the real world". Summer hasn't been summer because I have been working non-stop at two different jobs. Luckily, I had one week after graduation to enjoy some freedom...in New Orleans.

I'm still submitting, and I'm still auditioning. With a ton of help from Barbara, I finally have a finished reel. Next steps: uploading it, so that I can post a link for my website and getting my agent submissions together. High hopes that I can get this together in the next week or two. It will be great to have someone actively trying to get me work, without me having to find it all by myself. An agent is also going to have a lot more access to more work, specifically PAID work, which is what I need.

Besides finding auditions, being booked for auditions, and getting cast, the hardest thing about being an actor might just be scheduling. It is so difficult to work around two work schedules when scheduling auditions and much more difficult to have the availability to shoot a project for a day, a couple of days, or even a few weeks at a time. How do people do this?! Let me rephrase that: how do people do this and still generate an income to LIVE?

On another note, I am moving apartments at the end of July. Though I've been living by myself all summer (I'm hardly ever home), this will be the first time I will officially have a place all to myself. It will be nice...I just hope it's also not lonely. I am really happy with the place I have found and am actually going to sign the lease today. I wish I could enjoy buying furniture and decorating my place, but it's really not practical if I am going to pick up and move to California in six months...or at least within the year.

I didn't post the links to the student films I was in, but they are posted on my website. I will also be posting a link to my reel (hopefully today), so if you're interested, check it out. My website is... http://www.samwiley.weebly.com/

fo twentyyy

I am celebrating this day not for the reason most people who celebrate this day ... celebrate it ... but because it marks two years that Whitney and I have officially been together. Unfortunately we only had time for a quick dinner at Olive Garden since he has a test tomorrow to study for, so I will finally write a new post.

This photo is literally from when it all began. Late that night aka super early in the morning is when we started dating. :)

I am so glad and relieved to finally have booked some roles in a few student films. These aren't paid roles, and I'm pretty positive they won't capture the attention of Glee's casting directors, but hey, it's a start. I mostly want to build up my film experience for my resume and get some good footage for a reel. Anyway, the weekend before last I shot a scene from The Time Traveler's Wife. I haven't seen the movie, but apparently this scene (though in the screenplay) didn't make the cut for the actual film, so I really was originating the character in this scene. I enjoy so much being in front of the camera, and though there is nothing like performing on stage in front of a live audience, I know film is where I want to be and where I will be. I can't forget to mention that of course I was playing a sixteen year old because apparently I don't look any older.

This past weekend I shot a film adaptation of the comic book, Y: The Last Man. The comic book's character, Agent 355, is a tough-assassin-bodyguard-black-woman, so of course, I fit the role perfectly...
Needless to say, I was happy that someone saw me as someone other than a twelve year old. We also got to do something cool with makeup effects, so be sure to check that out once I post the link!

I also booked a role in a short film that an MFA student and a couple others are creating. It's a small role, but it's screen time, and they may want to use a set cast and crew for all of their future projects, so hey, more roles that will possibly just be given to me. We will be shooting that this upcoming weekend. Busy busy busy.

On a side note, I have 2 1/2 weeks left of school...forever. 4 1/2 weeks until graduation. EX.CI.TED.

I wish I had some production stills to include in this post, but I don't. Maybe later.

sunday monday happy day

That is a lie...because Sunday and Monday are rarely happy (unless we win our softball game like we did last week!). Sunday you think about...and sometimes do...all the homework that is going to be due. You spend the day dreading Monday, and then Monday comes, and your dread becomes reality. I have something due in three of my classes and a foxtrot evaluation in another this week. I tried to finally cure myself of the chronic disease, procrastination, that I have been dealing with my entire life, and I started working on one of my assignments last week. Today is Sunday, and I still haven't completed it. I am currently at work and brought all of this homework to complete, but I have been sitting here for two hours and haven't started any of it. Good job, Sam.

Anyway, I just heard back from the casting directors about their choices in my headshots, but...I already told the photographer my choices and got them back. It had already been over three weeks since I got them taken, so I didn't want to wait longer; I also wanted to have them to start submitting again. Unfortunately, the casting directors' picks didn't match any of my choices, which is great. But I am happy with them, so I think that's what really matters. I've posted them everywhere else, but in case you STILL haven't seen them, here are my four looks:

I recently submitted for a few student films, and I'm hoping I can nab (sp?) some of those because I desperately need to add film experience to my resume and get footage for an eventual reel. I was really excited about a casting call I saw a couple of months ago for a commercial shooting in Dallas, but I wanted to wait until I got my new headshots taken to submit (since the submission deadline said April 14th). Well, I checked the site the other day, and the casting call is no longer listed. I have no idea if there are any other means for me to submit. BUT, I am going to call a casting director tomorrow about getting the sides for a TV pilot on TBS. They are doing a nationwide casting search, so if I can send in a taped audition, that would be awesome.

Oh, and though I have been changing my mind on my post-graduation plans, right now I am settling on signing a six month lease in Austin. If I'm accomplishing nothing in my life, I will head out to California in January. I can always decide last minute because I'm sure I will have a place to stay with either my grandparents or my uncle in Orange County.

curiouser and curiouser

This past Friday was the most stressful day of my life. I had my first music test at 11am, and because I am starting to believe I legitimately have ADD, I didn't get enough studying done during the week. The week before I had also purchased my ticket to see the midnight premiere of Alice in Wonderland in IMAX 3-D because hellooo, everyone knows how obsessed I am with it, and I've waited over 2 years. That probably wasn't the best idea because I didn't get my studying done, and designating 3 1/2 hours to waiting in line for the movie and seeing the movie, took out of my studying time and my sleep. I was exhausted, but I went with Whitney, and of course I really liked it. But I do wish two things: 1) the movie had included more of the story and characters from the original and 2) that Tim Burton had waited a couple of years and cast me as Alice instead. I loved Johnny Depp, and I loved hearing lines that I myself had when I played Alice in a theatre production. Oh, and might I also add that "young Alice" was beautiful. And I don't mean that in a creepy way; she was just a beautiful little girl, and I really enjoyed the flashback.

Anyway, I got less than 6 hours of sleep before I woke up to continue studying. I don't like coffee, so I mixed some with hot chocolate to wake up and did some cramming with Jule. We both almost had a panic attack before we walked into the classroom, and after 50 minutes of rushing to get the test completed, I was done. The moment I finished taking my music test (which I believe I survived, thank God), was the happiest moment of my life. Then for three hours straight I was bombarded with over 70 customers at work. So that really sucked. But then I ordered my graduation announcements and took a little nap and went to see Fiddler on the Roof. I had never even seen the movie verson, and I enjoyed it more than I thought I would; it was actually funny. I also just read a book for my history class about a Russian Jewish girl, so I could draw correlations between the stories.

Oh, and I finally got professional headshots taken with Steven Noreyko. I sent the web gallery link to the casting directors I worked for this past summer, so I am waiting to hear their input before I decide on my final four images for him to retouch. I only wish I was better at taking "serious" photos, aka photos where I didn't smile. I had a lot of smiling pictures to choose from, but I was more picky about my non-smiling ones. I wasn't satisfied with my last "serious" look, so I asked him if we could shoot more. I was hesitant to ask, but since I was paying $250 for these headshots, I asked.

Once I choose the images and he retouches them, I will get started on submitting to agents. I'm not entirely sure what to include in my cover letter, so I "tweeted" to an agent who is the head of the commercial department at Abrams (the talent agency I interned with this past summer), and he said "Just basic info, but if you know an agent personally, you can call and talk about it. hint." It was a nice little surprise that 1) he actually remembers me 2) he follows me on twitter as well and 3) is willing to take the time to talk to me and help me out. I really appreciate that.

Since I don't have rehearsals anymore I have been working as much as I can. It looks good on my paycheck. :)

bittersweet

My last college show ended on Sunday. After a busy opening weekend, with a performance Friday evening, two performances Saturday, and a matinee on Sunday, I was exhausted and happy to have finished the run. But the thing about theatre is...once it's over, it's over. You rehearse for weeks, putting so much time and work into the show, you perform it a few times, and that's it. If somebody didn't see it, he/she missed his/her chance. Even if it premieres on Broadway and has a revival years later, it will never be the same show. So to all my friends that said they were attending...and didn't...you missed out. It is sad to think that I'll never be "Jilly" again.

Now it's time for some nice rest and relaxation. Maybe. I finally scheduled headshots with a professional photographer for this upcoming Sunday. I'm so worried about how they will turn out, so I need to do a lot of planning beforehand to figure out my wardrobe, hair, and makeup for my four looks. Let's hope these land me an agent.

On my busy Sunday, which included waking up at 8am to eat breakfast with my brother, his fiancee, their baby (who I have only seen once...a year ago...when she was 3 weeks old), and my sister, performing at the matinee and evening shows of Blue Point, I also auditioned for a UT directing workshop in between. It was for a scene from Away We Go, a movie I have fortunately seen and very much enjoyed. I hope I get cast because I need more "film" to add to my resume and more material for an eventual reel.

Sunday was nice because I felt like I finally had a break...well, after I woke up late and rushed to the theater to make it to my call time. But after the final performance, and resting on the couch watching 16 and Pregnant, and Whitney taking me out to dinner at the new 24 Diner to celebrate the end of the show's run, I slept and didn't worry about having to do anything. I almost forgot that I still have to go to school, and that realization sucked. But I have a few months of school left...forever...so I can drift through the rest of the semester, focusing on auditioning for films and getting an agent before I'm thrown out into the real world.

build me up, buttercup baby

I enjoy baking because it gives me such an easy sense of accomplishment. There is no other thing that can make me feel so successful so quickly. Not only do I feel the rewards of baking when I come to the end product, but I don't have to face pressure during the baking because the pressure is all on the recipe...and not me. I also don't have to consider whether someone is lying to me when he/she says my cupcakes are delicious. If they keep eating the baked goods, I'll know they like them.

I hope that made sense.

I have to keep things like baking in my life in order for me to stay sane. The rewards of acting only come after audition after audition after audition when someone finally casts you, and you spend several weeks of rehearsing, and then maybe at the end you'll feel accomplished...but maybe not. You have to trust your feelings about your performance, or you can trust what other people think about the performance. Some may hate it, some may love it, so who is telling the truth? Why is it so subjective? Why can't everyone think my performance was just as delicious as my cupcakes?

Of course, I haven't even begun to embark on the huge journey that lies ahead of me. But, it'll start with getting my headshots taken...by a professional photographer. I think I've made that decision. It may be the best decision for my career even if it won't be the best decision for my bank account. I looked up photographers in Austin, and I know someone who told me about her good experience with one.

My show opens this Friday through Sunday. I am excited for my friends and family to see me in it because it is different from the past shows they have seen me in. And after Sunday, I'll be able to focus on auditioning for films and building my resume, as well as figuring out my Spring Break plans.

the party don't start 'til i walk in

I need to convince myself of this...maybe not that I start the party...but that people want me at the party. I have always been self-conscious and reserved and at times scared to talk to people, and this whole growing up business is worsening all of this. More than ever I'm feeling like I'm on my own, minus my boyfriend, and graduating from college and being thrown out into the "real world" may be responsible for it. I'll have to find a solo apartment that I will have to pay for entirely on my own. I will have to work 2-3 jobs to pay for said apartment and every other bill in my life while my friends' greatest worries will still be homework for another year. On top of this I'll be forever trying to sell myself as an actress. I know it will pay off, but it's difficult to do so much and be so patient when all I really want is to rest and finally buy my puppy.

Oh, over the break I decided I'm buying a puppy. I know exactly what kind and from where I'm going to buy it. Just because I may have to live alone without people, doesn't mean I have to live alone without a dog. I needs its companionship...or should I say her companionship...because I'll be getting a girl.

My show opens in less than two weeks. Yikes. I'm not saying we're not doing well and aren't entirely on track...because we are. But the two weeks leading up to a show opening are always so hectic because there is always that feeling that more needs to be done and rehearsed. I will gladly enjoy the rest and free time I'll have once the show is over. The past three semesters I've spent rehearsing, so a little break won't hurt. Well, I'll have a break from rehearsing...but that just means more working for more money.

But I am trying to take care of myself. I've worked out 3 of the past 4 days, and if you know me, that is an accomplishment in itself. I hope I can stick to it and not let school and rehearsing give me an excuse not to do it. Working out along with the dance classes I'm taking will hopefully lead me in the right direction. I've been thinking back to high school, more specifically freshman year, and the shape I was in and the flexibility I had and the ability I had to tumble and jump and do everything. It's sad thinking back on it. I feel like an old person. "Oh, back in the day I could do this and this, but now it's unimaginable." Well, it will be imaginable and possible for me. I can do it, I can do it, I can do it.

I have had five auditions since I've been back in Austin. But I've only gone to three of them. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I've been skipping out. The first one I skipped I made up an excuse as to why I couldn't make it. The second one I skipped I never confirmed I'd be there, so I can't feel bad about it. I shouldn't be doing this, but I need the motivation to keep auditioning even when I don't get cast. I also need to look older, since apparently looking like a teenager is prohibiting me from getting cast. I haven't been taking the rejection as bad as I usually would have, but I'm still not feeling the motivation to audition when I feel like it's inevitable I won't be chosen. Maybe if money were involved, then I'd find that motivation.

it's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life

I know I haven't written in a while. I've wanted to, but it's not like I accomplished anything over Christmas break going between McAllen, Houston, and Austin.

Since I've been back to school, I've had one audition for a UT Thesis Film. It was this past weekend, so I haven't heard back about it yet. I hope I will hear back about it...whether or not I get cast. I hate nothing more than when I audition for something and just never hear about the results...good or bad. Okay, I'm lying, I might hate cockroaches more.

Anyway, he said he really liked my delivery and that it seemed like I had really prepared for the audition (if by really prepared he means ten minutes before I leave my apartment...then yes). At least I tricked him.

I looked up and noted all the casting calls in Austin I can submit for (I know I'm ending a sentence with a preposition). The only problem is...I am still not satisfied with any headshot I've taken. Josh quickly took some for me last week, but unless I can discover some Photoshop magic, I still won't be satisfied. I don't know if it's my sickly pale skin that I'm currently sporting or what, but something has got to give. I don't want to spend $500 on headshots that I may not even be happy with or have to retake within the year. I'm pretty sure every one of my posts has to do with headshots and me not having them. I'll have to figure out something to submit for these calls or else I'll miss out. Ugggghhhh.

P.S. My back is KILLING me after wearing my loaded backpack yesterday for a total of ten minutes. I've also been awake since 7 o'clock to go to my Broadway Jazz class and have only eaten 1/3 of a poptart and three pieces of candy all day.
P.S.S. I'm excited for my Ballroom Dance class that I'm also taking...but not my Comedy Acting class.
P.S.S. Rehearsals started back up my first week in Austin. They are fun, and I am excited!