the party don't start 'til i walk in

I need to convince myself of this...maybe not that I start the party...but that people want me at the party. I have always been self-conscious and reserved and at times scared to talk to people, and this whole growing up business is worsening all of this. More than ever I'm feeling like I'm on my own, minus my boyfriend, and graduating from college and being thrown out into the "real world" may be responsible for it. I'll have to find a solo apartment that I will have to pay for entirely on my own. I will have to work 2-3 jobs to pay for said apartment and every other bill in my life while my friends' greatest worries will still be homework for another year. On top of this I'll be forever trying to sell myself as an actress. I know it will pay off, but it's difficult to do so much and be so patient when all I really want is to rest and finally buy my puppy.

Oh, over the break I decided I'm buying a puppy. I know exactly what kind and from where I'm going to buy it. Just because I may have to live alone without people, doesn't mean I have to live alone without a dog. I needs its companionship...or should I say her companionship...because I'll be getting a girl.

My show opens in less than two weeks. Yikes. I'm not saying we're not doing well and aren't entirely on track...because we are. But the two weeks leading up to a show opening are always so hectic because there is always that feeling that more needs to be done and rehearsed. I will gladly enjoy the rest and free time I'll have once the show is over. The past three semesters I've spent rehearsing, so a little break won't hurt. Well, I'll have a break from rehearsing...but that just means more working for more money.

But I am trying to take care of myself. I've worked out 3 of the past 4 days, and if you know me, that is an accomplishment in itself. I hope I can stick to it and not let school and rehearsing give me an excuse not to do it. Working out along with the dance classes I'm taking will hopefully lead me in the right direction. I've been thinking back to high school, more specifically freshman year, and the shape I was in and the flexibility I had and the ability I had to tumble and jump and do everything. It's sad thinking back on it. I feel like an old person. "Oh, back in the day I could do this and this, but now it's unimaginable." Well, it will be imaginable and possible for me. I can do it, I can do it, I can do it.

I have had five auditions since I've been back in Austin. But I've only gone to three of them. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I've been skipping out. The first one I skipped I made up an excuse as to why I couldn't make it. The second one I skipped I never confirmed I'd be there, so I can't feel bad about it. I shouldn't be doing this, but I need the motivation to keep auditioning even when I don't get cast. I also need to look older, since apparently looking like a teenager is prohibiting me from getting cast. I haven't been taking the rejection as bad as I usually would have, but I'm still not feeling the motivation to audition when I feel like it's inevitable I won't be chosen. Maybe if money were involved, then I'd find that motivation.