it's a new dawn, it's a new day

I have come to realize that your happiness depends almost entirely on your attitude. You can choose to be positive, or you can choose to dwell on the negative. I am not preaching or lecturing because I myself focus all too much on the negative aspects in my life, rather than appreciating the good things. Trust me, it is way more difficult to keep a good attitude; it's much easier to pout and whine and complain about how life sucks.

These past few months have been rough for me. I never knew I would feel at such a loss after graduating from college and being done with school. Sometimes there isn't a reason for me to feel down, but I will. You have to grasp on to those little things in life that feed you happiness. Little things...like bringing a Christmas tree scented candle everywhere with me just so I can light it and always have that scent surrounding me. Or a pumpkin spice scented car freshener so that every time I get into my car, I'm immediately filled with euphoria at the thought of the holidays being so close. Or cuddling up in snowflake pajamas and watching a movie in the dark. These little things are what get me through the day. What gets you through yours?

I have actually been working on a lot of acting projects lately. I finished a studio shoot, am filming for a short film, was cast last minute into another studio shoot today, and will be rehearsing for another workshop this week. I'm not getting paid, but I'm getting to do what I love. When I get down about the career path I've chosen, it's always nice to be reminded how much I love it and how much it's worth it. I have to be happy that people actually like my work...that they think it's great and that they want to work with me again and again. That in itself is comforting. I feel like I'm always striving for something else, something more, like I can't feel content with what I have. But I do have accomplishments. Everyone has their problems, and most are much more worse than mine. I don't want to settle in life, but I also don't want to always want something more. I'm working hard at keeping a positive attitude towards myself and towards life in general. Life is too short to spend even one minute unhappy. I want to enjoy every second of it. I want to look back on my life and have absolutely no regrets. There are so many things I can't wait for, but I need to focus on the now. I need to live my life right here right now. Let's all be positive together, so none of us get each other down.

Really, more than anything, I miss Betsy. This Friday it will be one month since she passed away. I can't explain to you how much I love this dog and how I've never hurt more badly than I did when she was hurting and then when she was gone. We picked up her ashes the other night, so it's nice to kind of have her with us again. I think about her every single day, and I wonder when or if the hurt will ever go away. Here I'm telling you to focus on the positive, but death is the one thing in life that I can't change my attitude about. It's so certain, so conclusive. You can talk about heaven being infinite, but life on Earth obviously isn't. There's no explanation as to why she had to be taken away from us. No explanation, no good reason. It happens, and it's something I don't think any of us could ever learn to cope or be okay with. The physical impossibility of ever seeing someone again is heartwrenching. And that's the risk you have to take when you give someone your heart, and I certainly gave Betsy mine. You have to risk that your heart will be taken away also. But she was worth it. The best dog in the world.

We love you, Betsy. We miss you. Keep watching over us girl because we need you.