bittersweet

My last college show ended on Sunday. After a busy opening weekend, with a performance Friday evening, two performances Saturday, and a matinee on Sunday, I was exhausted and happy to have finished the run. But the thing about theatre is...once it's over, it's over. You rehearse for weeks, putting so much time and work into the show, you perform it a few times, and that's it. If somebody didn't see it, he/she missed his/her chance. Even if it premieres on Broadway and has a revival years later, it will never be the same show. So to all my friends that said they were attending...and didn't...you missed out. It is sad to think that I'll never be "Jilly" again.

Now it's time for some nice rest and relaxation. Maybe. I finally scheduled headshots with a professional photographer for this upcoming Sunday. I'm so worried about how they will turn out, so I need to do a lot of planning beforehand to figure out my wardrobe, hair, and makeup for my four looks. Let's hope these land me an agent.

On my busy Sunday, which included waking up at 8am to eat breakfast with my brother, his fiancee, their baby (who I have only seen once...a year ago...when she was 3 weeks old), and my sister, performing at the matinee and evening shows of Blue Point, I also auditioned for a UT directing workshop in between. It was for a scene from Away We Go, a movie I have fortunately seen and very much enjoyed. I hope I get cast because I need more "film" to add to my resume and more material for an eventual reel.

Sunday was nice because I felt like I finally had a break...well, after I woke up late and rushed to the theater to make it to my call time. But after the final performance, and resting on the couch watching 16 and Pregnant, and Whitney taking me out to dinner at the new 24 Diner to celebrate the end of the show's run, I slept and didn't worry about having to do anything. I almost forgot that I still have to go to school, and that realization sucked. But I have a few months of school left...forever...so I can drift through the rest of the semester, focusing on auditioning for films and getting an agent before I'm thrown out into the real world.

build me up, buttercup baby

I enjoy baking because it gives me such an easy sense of accomplishment. There is no other thing that can make me feel so successful so quickly. Not only do I feel the rewards of baking when I come to the end product, but I don't have to face pressure during the baking because the pressure is all on the recipe...and not me. I also don't have to consider whether someone is lying to me when he/she says my cupcakes are delicious. If they keep eating the baked goods, I'll know they like them.

I hope that made sense.

I have to keep things like baking in my life in order for me to stay sane. The rewards of acting only come after audition after audition after audition when someone finally casts you, and you spend several weeks of rehearsing, and then maybe at the end you'll feel accomplished...but maybe not. You have to trust your feelings about your performance, or you can trust what other people think about the performance. Some may hate it, some may love it, so who is telling the truth? Why is it so subjective? Why can't everyone think my performance was just as delicious as my cupcakes?

Of course, I haven't even begun to embark on the huge journey that lies ahead of me. But, it'll start with getting my headshots taken...by a professional photographer. I think I've made that decision. It may be the best decision for my career even if it won't be the best decision for my bank account. I looked up photographers in Austin, and I know someone who told me about her good experience with one.

My show opens this Friday through Sunday. I am excited for my friends and family to see me in it because it is different from the past shows they have seen me in. And after Sunday, I'll be able to focus on auditioning for films and building my resume, as well as figuring out my Spring Break plans.

the party don't start 'til i walk in

I need to convince myself of this...maybe not that I start the party...but that people want me at the party. I have always been self-conscious and reserved and at times scared to talk to people, and this whole growing up business is worsening all of this. More than ever I'm feeling like I'm on my own, minus my boyfriend, and graduating from college and being thrown out into the "real world" may be responsible for it. I'll have to find a solo apartment that I will have to pay for entirely on my own. I will have to work 2-3 jobs to pay for said apartment and every other bill in my life while my friends' greatest worries will still be homework for another year. On top of this I'll be forever trying to sell myself as an actress. I know it will pay off, but it's difficult to do so much and be so patient when all I really want is to rest and finally buy my puppy.

Oh, over the break I decided I'm buying a puppy. I know exactly what kind and from where I'm going to buy it. Just because I may have to live alone without people, doesn't mean I have to live alone without a dog. I needs its companionship...or should I say her companionship...because I'll be getting a girl.

My show opens in less than two weeks. Yikes. I'm not saying we're not doing well and aren't entirely on track...because we are. But the two weeks leading up to a show opening are always so hectic because there is always that feeling that more needs to be done and rehearsed. I will gladly enjoy the rest and free time I'll have once the show is over. The past three semesters I've spent rehearsing, so a little break won't hurt. Well, I'll have a break from rehearsing...but that just means more working for more money.

But I am trying to take care of myself. I've worked out 3 of the past 4 days, and if you know me, that is an accomplishment in itself. I hope I can stick to it and not let school and rehearsing give me an excuse not to do it. Working out along with the dance classes I'm taking will hopefully lead me in the right direction. I've been thinking back to high school, more specifically freshman year, and the shape I was in and the flexibility I had and the ability I had to tumble and jump and do everything. It's sad thinking back on it. I feel like an old person. "Oh, back in the day I could do this and this, but now it's unimaginable." Well, it will be imaginable and possible for me. I can do it, I can do it, I can do it.

I have had five auditions since I've been back in Austin. But I've only gone to three of them. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I've been skipping out. The first one I skipped I made up an excuse as to why I couldn't make it. The second one I skipped I never confirmed I'd be there, so I can't feel bad about it. I shouldn't be doing this, but I need the motivation to keep auditioning even when I don't get cast. I also need to look older, since apparently looking like a teenager is prohibiting me from getting cast. I haven't been taking the rejection as bad as I usually would have, but I'm still not feeling the motivation to audition when I feel like it's inevitable I won't be chosen. Maybe if money were involved, then I'd find that motivation.